September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
