just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
