Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize