What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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