Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
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