i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
porn star boner night. come get it.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
