Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize