can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
