They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize