last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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