Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
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A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Randomize