Tell her she can't have a vagina
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
