I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
he just fucked me for my cheese.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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