You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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