Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
