A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
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