I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
