I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
