He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize