Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
