Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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