hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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