Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
