Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
