Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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