cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
