Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
