dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
