Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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