So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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