I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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