i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize