Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
sex in a hospital.. check
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
