It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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