I'm gonna have a badass scar
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
