K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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