I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
