omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
