Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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