Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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