can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
