Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
