remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Randomize
