it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Randomize
