just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
