Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
