somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
