You're my little dorito
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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