see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize