I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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