my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
