I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
