we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
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