I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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