epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
