apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
