my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
