Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Randomize
