Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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